“Dear self: Don’t get so worked up over things you can’t change or people you can’t change. It’s not worth the anger buildup or the heartache. Control only what you can. Let go. Love me.” ~Unknown
When I was furloughed from work back in the early months of 2020, I suddenly found myself with more time on my hands than I knew what to do with. I realized it was the freest time I’d had since I was a child on my summer holidays.
But that Covid-related break was much longer than six weeks; it was three long months. The world felt as if it were in limbo. What was going to happen? Was everything going to change forever? Would I go back to work at my desk like before?
I had no idea. Everything ground to a halt.
After the first few days of distracting myself by binge-watching TV shows and playing video games, I was suddenly left with my thoughts and far more time to think than I was comfortable with.
The sudden stop in momentum forced me to think about where I was in life. I’d been riding that wave momentum for fifteen years, never really feeling as if I’d ever stopped to face where I was in my life or where I was going.
I looked around me and noticed I’d been stressed for a long time, and I’d put on twenty-two pounds of weight. I’d stopped exercising, and my diet was making me feel sluggish and tired. My life had become working, sitting, and eating junk.
It hadn’t always been that way, though. Between the ages of fourteen and twenty-three, I was active in the gym, I watched what I ate, and I looked after myself.
The years had taken their toll on me. I had become someone I didn’t recognize.
I was suddenly so anxious about the future, worrying about my health and money and whether I would ever be able to own my own place or reach the heights in my career that would make me proud of myself.
I felt trapped, as if suddenly seeing my true position in life for the first time, and that made me feel depressed.
This period in my life taught me that too much thinking isn’t good. It’s not particularly helpful. What does help? Action, movement, and forward momentum.
But I didn’t want to go back to the old momentum; I wanted a more mindful one, one that I felt more in control of. I learned that if you don’t happen to life, life will happen to you.
My Lightbulb Moment
The one subtle (yet huge) perspective shift was this: There are things within my control and things that are not. I can influence the things out of my control somewhat, but my time is much better spent focusing on the things I am in control of.
I am not in control of everything that happens. There are simply too many variables at play in my life.
I realized that much of my anxiety was tied to things I couldn’t control at all. And the time spent worrying was stealing from what I could actually change and control.
So I began to outline the things that I could control, and I think this is a healthy exercise for anyone.
It went something like this:
- How much I exercise
- The type of exercise I do
- What I eat
- When I eat
- What time I go to bed
- What information I allow myself to consume
- How much time I spend watching TV
- The people I spend my time with
- How I decide to react to something
The things I could not control were:
- How long the pandemic would last
- What other people think of me
- My genetics
- If something happens to someone I love
- The rainy days that make me feel low
- How others behave and act
And the list went on and on. The things that were in my circle of control were the small yet important habits I had each day. These were things I could change.
So I began to think about what I could do myself to improve my life, one tiny step at a time.
I was fortunate enough to have access to fresh foods, so I looked up some healthy recipes for lunches and dinners. I made those meals over and over again for weeks. I felt lighter, lost a few pounds, and had more energy, along with a new appreciation for nutrition.
I bought a cheap exercise bike from a seller online. I rode that thing consistently, three times a week for months, and felt my legs become stronger. I also learned to enjoy the sensation of my heart pumping faster as I worked harder.
I began to write more about my experiences and reached out to others. I found likeminded people who were feeling the same as me, and it reminded me that I wasn’t on my own.
I stopped watching the news as much to give myself a break from the chaos of the outside world so I could focus on my own world.
I eventually stopped going on social media and spent that time researching and listening to mind-expanding podcasts that offered me new perspectives.
All of these lifestyle changes made me feel good. They made me feel much better in my body and mind.
Making These Habits Stick
These habits and routines changed my life. But I had all the time in the world to keep them up. After all, I had nothing else to do with my time except spend it with my family or stare at the walls. The real change would be making them a habit over time.
And sure enough, the world began to head back to the way it was before.
Before I knew it, I was asked to work from home. My work gave me a laptop and told me I would be working Monday to Friday once again from the comfort of my kitchen table. This, in itself, was anxiety-inducing.
I felt blessed to still have a job, yet I had gotten so used to my new healthy habits that I also suddenly felt that dedicated time was threatened.
Would I be able to keep my healthy lifestyle going while working a traditional job?
And then it dawned on me that the real challenge we all have is making the most of the things we can control while we are preoccupied and sometimes overwhelmed by the daily hustle and bustle of life.
We all know what is good for us, but there are so many things that we have to deal with and think about that it doesn’t take much to tip us back into bad habits.
One stressful day can cause us to go home and binge on junk food. One stressful morning can cause us to go and grab a ready meal instead of packing our healthy lunch. One hectic week makes us feel too tired to exercise.
Fast-forward three years, and I’m back in the office, back to getting up at 6.30 a.m. and sitting in traffic. Back to having less money and back to being tired after work and not so motivated to exercise.
This was the real challenge—keeping perspective and a firm hand on what I could control among the increased noise of life.
But it’s okay to have less time. You and I have to work, and many of us have family to take care of. We have responsibilities and things we cannot control, but we should never forget about ourselves amongst it all.
Take care of yourself. Make a list of what you can control and what you can’t. Figure out the gaps in your day—the free time where you can do things that nudge you closer to where you want to be.
Start small; go for a ten-minute walk once a week before you head off to work.
Change one meal a week for something new when you have half an hour to cook something healthy.
Look at your daily screen time and become mindful of how much time you spend scrolling. Cut that back and do something else.
Do ten push-ups in the evenings. Notice over time if you feel stronger.
Write 1,000 words once a week.
Practice mindfulness when you’re feeling stressed.
Notice how capable you are of changing your life through small, regular actions. You truly are more capable than you realize as you sit here reading this.
You likely won’t see much change at first, but that’s okay. Changing things in your life is difficult, and it requires a certain degree of trust in the process until you see results.
Although life is pretty much back to how it was five years ago, I’ve learned a lot. A difficult situation that made me feel anxious and depressed at first gradually helped me grow. It helped me realize that I am worth taking care of. I don’t need to mindlessly stumble through life if I choose not to.
While life can be hectic, some things will always be within my control if I deem them important enough.
I can intervene when I need to. I can make the things I can control positive. And when I let go of the things I can’t control, I have more space to grow.
About Sean M Clarke
Sean M Clarke is a passionate writer with a deep interest in philosophy and how we can apply the lessons of the past to our modern lives. He is the author of the blog projectenergise.com, where he shares advice on living with anxiety and building better habits for a healthier, calmer, and more fulfilling life.
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