The Toughness Myth is a Lie: Hang On To Your Vulnerability

“Sensitive people should be treasured. They love deeply and think deeply about life. They are loyal, honest, and true. The simple things sometimes mean the most to them. They don’t need to change or harden. Their purity makes them who they are.” ~Unknown

I can picture it perfectly—I was a freshman at the University of Notre Dame. It was my first semester at the school I’d dreamed of attending ever since I was a little girl. Everything felt new, and as I did the make-new-friends dance, I was hyperaware of how others perceived me.

Standing in line to purchase football tickets with a group of girls from my dorm, I was listening intently to the conversation of intelligent humans discussing current events (Obama was running for president).

I was suddenly reminded of a distressing image I had seen that morning of a family sitting outside of their home that had been foreclosed on due to the financial crisis. I blurted out, “I get so sad when I read the news. It can really just break my heart.”

Suddenly, I felt the energy in the circle shift. There was no immediate response, and it was silent for what felt like an hour. One of my new acquaintances broke the silence, saying, “Wanna know what makes me happy? Have you guys been watching Grey’s Anatomy?” The conversation changed, and I stood in line, ashamed and not understanding why.

If this scenario sounds familiar, you might possess the trait of emotional sensitivity. Emotional sensitivity is a term used in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) to describe a trait that causes individuals to feel more often and intensely.

In other words, if you are emotionally sensitive, you feel a lot. Many people who identify as highly sensitive people (HSPs), empaths, and super feelers possess this trait. Emotional sensitivity is a genetic quality. The research indicates that if you are sensitive, you will carry this quality throughout your life.

Sensitivity and Openness

Emotionally sensitive folks tend to be more open and vulnerable than their non-sensitive peers. Many of my clients have been told that they “wear their heart on their sleeve” or are “too honest.”

As an emotionally sensitive person, I relate so deeply to the experiences of my clients. As a young girl, I wanted to share my thoughts, worries, and excitement with the world around me.

I remember that when I was twelve years old, I went to a beach in Santa Barbara with my family. I spent the whole day playing with a girl I had met—building sandcastles, doing somersaults into the waves, and catching and releasing sand crabs.

When I returned to my parents to eat a sandy peanut butter and jelly sandwich, my dad said, “You make friends with someone anywhere we go.” This statement was validating; I liked being told that I was friendly.

In high school, I was notorious for making situations “awkward” because I would instinctively call out dynamics as I perceived them (and, let’s be honest, so many high school dynamics are awkward).

In college, I was curious about the experiences of my peers and encouraged openness in conversations; as a result, I frequently stood in the corner at parties having a “heart-to-heart” with a peer (who I realize now was probably also a fellow emotionally sensitive person).

It’s safe to say that the people in my life were not shocked when I became a psychologist.

When Society Squashes Your Vulnerability

I find that many clients share similar stories of a childhood of openness. So… what’s the “problem” with this tendency?

Sensitive people feel that, over time, they have lost this capacity to be vulnerable and authentic. As children, they approached life with openness and curiosity, but as adults, they often feel closed off and disconnected from their emotions.

I believe this phenomenon is a result of the society we live in. In many cultures, we value “strength” over sensitivity.

In their book Sensitive: The Hidden Power of the Highly Sensitive Person in a Loud, Fast, Too-Much Word, Jenn Granneman and Andrea Solo describe this attitude as The Toughness Myth.

These authors, who both identify as HSPs, explain that sensitive people attempt to hide their temperament because they have been taught that “sensitivity is a flaw, only the strong survive, being emotional is a sign of weakness, empathy will get you taken advantage of, the more you endure, the better, [and] it’s shameful to rest or ask for help” (p. 25).

In other words, emotionally sensitive people receive both explicit and implicit messaging throughout their life that reiterates, “Don’t be vulnerable.” Who wants to lead with openness when you are going to get teased for it?

Additionally, during childhood, many emotionally sensitive individuals learn that their natural openness is frequently misunderstood. They may feel they do not totally “fit in,” and the awkward silences at parties or the subtle moments of invalidation are frequently internalized, which results in profound feelings of shame.

This shame can, over time, lead emotionally sensitive people to suppress their feelings (oftentimes through unhealthy means) or wear a social mask to “fit in.”

Emotionally sensitive people find that the only way to “be strong” is to resort to maladaptive behaviors, such as substance use, eating disorder behaviors, overworking, or avoidance. The behaviors may help to numb feelings in the short term. The act of suppressing feelings can be so automatic that you may not even be aware that it is happening. The problem is that when we shut off our emotions, we also lose the ability to be vulnerable.

A Reminder: Your Vulnerability Rocks

When you consider the Toughness Myth, it is understandable that you, as an emotionally sensitive person, might feel yourself becoming less open over time.

We exist in a society that often misunderstands or outright rejects vulnerability. When your natural openness is met with invalidation, it can really sting. It can be extremely painful to share something deeply personal, only to have people walk away or say, “Keep that to yourself” or “stop worrying so much.” It is not surprising that a wave of shame might wash over you after experiencing these moments of invalidation over and over again.

I write this article to remind you that, despite some of the messages you have received, your vulnerability is an incredible strength.

Brené Brown, a psychologist who is well-known for her research on vulnerability and shame, reminds her audiences that vulnerability is the birthplace of love. Your ability to be vulnerable is what also allows you to feel a sense of belonging.

When you are open, you demonstrate courage in a society that may not understand that vulnerability allows us to build spaces characterized by joy, empathy, and creativity. When you allow yourself to be vulnerable, you open up the possibility of deeper connections and more authentic interactions.

I know it may sound a little cheesy, but I truly believe that your vulnerability is what can make this world a better place. Hold onto that, no matter what the haters say.