When it comes to meeting new people, some of us find it easy to strike up a fun conversation, while others struggle to move beyond small talk.
Over the past decade, I’ve spent countless hours researching social psychology and self-improvement—both as part of my graduate studies in psychology and my ongoing personal development journey.
Through my work with Hack Spirit and Small Business Bonfire, I’ve noticed a common theme: socially intelligent people seem to have a knack for asking just the right questions to make others feel understood, valued, and genuinely engaged.
But what exactly are these magic questions, and why do they work so well?
Below, I’m going to share seven key questions socially intelligent people almost always ask when meeting someone for the first time, along with the psychological reasoning, studies, and insights behind them.
If you weave these questions into your conversations, you might be surprised at how much more satisfying your interactions become.
1. “What’s Your Story?”
Starting with an open-ended question like “What’s your story?” immediately tells the other person that you’re genuinely interested in them.
This approach is grounded in Social Penetration Theory, a concept introduced by psychologists Irwin Altman and Dalmas Taylor. It suggests that relationships develop through gradual self-disclosure.
By inviting someone to share any aspect of their life story, you open a door to deeper understanding and connection.
I love asking this because I’ve met people from all walks of life, and you’d be amazed at the fascinating tales they carry around inside of them. Sometimes they need just a small nudge—like this question—to unleash all that interesting stuff.
2. “What Got You Interested in That Line of Work (or Hobby)?”
When you inquire about someone’s passion or profession, it shows that you recognize their expertise or interests.
Psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, known for his work on Flow, emphasizes that people become deeply engaged and fulfilled when they’re working on something they are passionate about. By asking how they got started, you allow them to relive that spark of curiosity and excitement.
Acknowledging someone’s choices and showing genuine curiosity about them reinforces the idea that their journey is worthwhile, encouraging them to open up more.
I often find that hearing the backstory—like why someone fell in love with a particular sport or why they switched careers—offers powerful insights into their values and personality.
3. “What’s Been on Your Mind Lately?”
Open-ended questions that focus on someone’s current thoughts or feelings help create emotional connection.
Active listening, a communication strategy championed by psychologist Carl Rogers, emphasizes being fully present and genuinely curious about the other person’s internal world. By asking what’s on their mind, you invite them to share things they genuinely care about right now.
Rogers believed that unconditional positive regard—fully accepting and listening to another person without judgment—fosters personal growth and deeper bonds. This question leans into that idea, encouraging someone to open up in a way that feels supportive and validating.
Over the years, I’ve noticed that people rarely get asked about what they’re truly thinking or feeling at any given moment. They often light up (or sometimes breathe a sigh of relief) when they realize someone genuinely wants to hear them out.
4. “What Have You Been Reading or Watching Lately?”
It may seem like small talk on the surface, but this question provides a window into a person’s cultural and intellectual interests. It also taps into something psychologists call self-disclosure reciprocity—when you share your own favorites in return, the other person feels more comfortable and safe sharing theirs.
Research by the psychologist Sidney Jourard found that mutual self-disclosure is one of the most significant predictors of relationship closeness. Asking about books, shows, or podcasts encourages the sharing of personal tastes and opinions in a fun, relaxed manner.
I’ve discovered incredible books and TV shows from this question alone. It’s amazing how often someone’s latest Netflix obsession or the book they’re reading can spark a lively conversation, and sometimes it opens the door to deeper topics.
5. “Who (or What) Inspires You?”
Bringing up the topic of inspiration lets people reveal their hopes, dreams, and core values. According to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, humans have a desire for personal growth and self-actualization. Talking about what inspires them can bring forth that aspirational energy.
Abraham Maslow once noted, “What a man can be, he must be.” By asking about inspiration, you encourage people to reflect on the ideals and achievements that resonate with them—an essential aspect of self-actualization.
I once had a person tell me they were inspired by their grandmother’s resilience, and hearing their story was so moving it actually made me think about my own grandparents differently. You never know what kind of emotional spark you’ll set off with this simple question.
6. “What’s One Challenge You’re Facing Right Now?”
This question invites authenticity and vulnerability. Dr. Brené Brown’s extensive research on vulnerability shows that being open about our struggles builds trust and fosters deeper connections.
Of course, be prepared to share one of your own challenges if you go down this road—reciprocity matters if you want to keep the conversation balanced.
Revealing vulnerabilities can actually make you appear more likable and human. People appreciate honesty, especially when it encourages them to open up about their own challenges.
I’ve been guilty in the past of only talking about my successes, but whenever I share a real challenge or a small failure, I notice people lean in with genuine empathy. It makes conversations far richer and more memorable.
7. “What’s Next for You?”
Everyone has future goals, whether they’re big life plans or small personal projects. By asking about someone’s “next big thing,” you’re essentially cheering them on and showing interest in their journey.
This also gives them a chance to share their dreams and visions—a surefire way to build rapport.
This question resonates with the Pygmalion effect—the idea that having positive expectations for someone can actually enhance their performance or success. If you show genuine faith in someone’s future plans, it can help them feel more confident in their ability to achieve them.
I love hearing about people’s upcoming projects or life changes. One time, simply asking “What’s next?” led a friend to reveal she was starting her own bakery. That conversation eventually turned into a collaboration where I helped her strategize her online presence. You never know what doors will open just by being curious about someone’s future.
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