A good deed is a good deed… right?
Well, not always.
For years, I believed that kindness always came from a place of genuine goodwill. But the more I learned about psychology, the more I realized that some people do good things for not-so-good reasons.
I’ve come across people who seem generous, helpful, and kind—only to later realize their actions were driven by self-interest.
Whether it’s for social approval, personal gain, or even manipulation, not all good deeds are as noble as they seem.
As the founder of Hack Spirit and someone fascinated by human behavior, I’ve dug deep into what really motivates people. And psychology has a lot to say about it.
In this article, I’ll walk you through seven signs that someone’s kindness might not be as selfless as it seems. Let’s dive in.
1) They expect constant recognition
One of the biggest red flags that someone’s good deeds aren’t entirely selfless? They can’t stop talking about them.
Genuinely kind people help others because they want to—not because they’re fishing for praise.
But if someone constantly brings up their generosity, makes sure everyone knows about their good deeds, or gets frustrated when they don’t receive enough recognition, their motivations might not be as pure as they seem.
Psychology calls this signaling behavior—when people do things primarily to shape how others see them. While it’s natural to appreciate acknowledgement, true kindness doesn’t come with strings attached.
If you notice someone always seeking validation for their “selfless” acts, it may be a sign that their generosity is more about ego than empathy.
2) They only help when it benefits them
I once had a friend who seemed like one of the most generous people I knew. He was always offering to help—whether it was giving advice, running errands, or lending a hand with a project.
But over time, I started noticing a pattern. His kindness only showed up when there was something in it for him. If he helped me move, he’d remind me later that I “owed him one.” If he gave someone career advice, he expected favors in return.
It became clear that his generosity wasn’t about helping others—it was a transaction.
Psychologist Adam Grant explains this well: “Givers advance the world. Takers advance themselves and hold the world back.”
True generosity comes from a place of giving without expectation, while self-serving kindness is just another form of taking.
If someone’s good deeds always seem to come with conditions, chances are they’re more interested in what they can gain than in genuinely helping others.
3) They disappear when no one is watching
A few years ago, I worked with someone who loved being the “helpful” colleague. Anytime the boss was around, he’d go out of his way to assist others—offering to stay late, volunteering for extra tasks, even making coffee runs for the team.
But when no one important was watching? That generosity vanished.
He suddenly became too busy to help, ignored requests, and left others to pick up the slack. It was clear his kindness wasn’t about actually supporting the team—it was about looking good.
True generosity doesn’t depend on an audience. If someone only helps when they know they’ll get credit for it, chances are their motivation isn’t kindness—it’s approval.
4) They use their kindness to manipulate
A while ago, I had an acquaintance who would go out of his way to do favors for people—covering shifts, offering rides, even giving thoughtful gifts. At first, it seemed like he was just a genuinely good guy.
But then I started noticing something strange. Whenever he needed something, he’d bring up all the things he’d done for you. If you hesitated to return the favor, he’d act hurt or make you feel guilty.
His kindness wasn’t really kindness—it was a tool to control people.
Research backs this up. A study published in The Journal of Social Psychology found that people who engaged in strategic helping (offering kindness with the expectation of future favors) were more likely to use guilt and obligation to influence others.
Real generosity doesn’t come with hidden strings attached. If someone constantly reminds you of their good deeds whenever they want something, they may be more interested in control than compassion.
5) They get upset when their kindness goes unnoticed
I once had a coworker who loved doing nice things for others—buying coffee for the team, organizing office events, even staying late to help out. At first, it seemed like she just enjoyed being generous.
But one day, I overheard her venting: “No one even thanked me for all the extra effort I put in! It’s like they don’t even appreciate what I do.”
That’s when I realized her kindness wasn’t entirely selfless. She wasn’t just helping to help—she wanted recognition. And when she didn’t get it, she felt resentful.
Of course, we all like to feel appreciated. But true generosity doesn’t come with emotional strings attached. If someone gets upset when their good deeds aren’t acknowledged, it could be a sign that their kindness is more about validation than genuine care.
6) They remind you of their generosity
A few years ago, I had a friend who was always doing favors for people. At first, I thought he was just naturally generous. But then, I started to notice a pattern—he never let anyone forget what he had done for them.
If he helped me with something, he’d bring it up weeks later: “Remember when I helped you move? That was a lot of work.” If he bought someone lunch, he’d casually remind them the next time they went out: “You still owe me for last time.”
It became clear that his kindness wasn’t really about giving—it was about keeping score.
Psychologist Robert Cialdini explains this in his book Influence: “People feel obligated to return favors, and some individuals use this principle to manipulate others into doing what they want.”
True generosity is given freely, without expectation of something in return.
If someone constantly reminds you of their good deeds, chances are they’re not being kind just for the sake of it—they’re using generosity as leverage.
7) They are overly public about their generosity
You’d think that someone who constantly shares their good deeds must have a big heart, right? But sometimes, the louder someone is about their kindness, the more you should question their motives.
I once knew someone who posted every act of generosity on social media—donating to charity, helping a friend in need, even small acts like giving up a seat on the subway.
At first, I admired it. But then I started wondering: If the act of kindness is truly selfless, why does everyone need to know about it?
Studies show that people who engage in “virtue signaling”—publicly showcasing their good deeds—often do so to enhance their social status rather than out of genuine compassion.
Of course, there’s nothing wrong with sharing positivity or inspiring others. But if someone seems more interested in broadcasting their kindness than in actually helping, their motivation might not be as pure as it seems.
Practical tip: Pay attention to how people act when no one’s watching. True generosity happens quietly, without the need for applause.
Final thoughts
Not all kindness comes from a place of selflessness. Sometimes, good deeds are just a tool for recognition, control, or personal gain.
So, what can you do?
First, pay attention to patterns. If someone’s generosity always comes with expectations or a need for validation, it’s worth questioning their true motives.
Second, lead by example. True kindness doesn’t need an audience or a reward—practice giving without expecting anything in return.
Finally, set boundaries. If someone uses their “generosity” to guilt or manipulate you, it’s okay to step back. Real kindness is freely given, not forced.
At the end of the day, the best kind of generosity is the one that comes with no strings attached.
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