“Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can.” ~Arthur Ashe
It was a quiet evening at Boat Quay. The sun was setting, casting warm golden hues over the water, and the air smelled faintly of salt and street food. I was sitting on the riverbank with a close friend, my head heavy with thoughts that refused to settle.
“I’m thirty,” I said, breaking the silence. My voice quivered with frustration. “I haven’t achieved anything. Look at Joseph Schooling—he’s younger than me and a gold medalist! My other friend started his own business. And me? I’m just… here.”
The words tumbled out of me, raw and unfiltered. My friend looked at me with a mixture of concern and helplessness. I knew I was being hard on myself, but the feeling of inadequacy clung to me like a second skin.
Deep down, I believed that being hard on myself was necessary, a way to spur myself into action. “If I don’t push myself, who will?” I thought. But no matter how much I pushed, nothing seemed to click. I felt like I was flailing, desperate for traction but stuck in the same spot.
Biting the Elephant
For a long time, I obsessed over big achievements. I wanted to make a splash, to prove that I was capable and worthy. But every time I set my sights on something monumental, I froze. The sheer size of my goals overwhelmed me.
One day, I stumbled across an old adage: How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.
It hit me like a lightning bolt. Maybe I didn’t need to tackle enormous goals all at once. Maybe I could start small—just one bite at a time.
I decided to test this theory. My first “bite” was a simple commitment: wake up thirty minutes earlier each day and spend that time reading a book on personal development. It wasn’t groundbreaking, but it was manageable.
To my surprise, this small step gave me a tiny boost of confidence. I was keeping a promise to myself, however small. That feeling of accomplishment, no matter how minor, was something I could build on.
From there, I started layering on more small commitments. I took on one short online course, then another. I applied what I learned in small ways at work. Slowly but surely, these small actions began to stack up.
Fixing Everything and Going Nowhere
For years, I believed that the key to success lay in fixing my weaknesses. I spent countless hours analyzing my flaws and trying to “fix” them. I wasn’t assertive enough, so I took assertiveness training. I wasn’t organized enough, so I read books on productivity.
But no matter how much I tried to improve, I felt like I was running in place. The more I focused on my shortcomings, the more they seemed to define me.
Then, one day, a mentor said something that shifted my perspective: “What if you leaned into your strengths instead?”
It was such a simple idea, yet it felt revolutionary. I realized I’d been so focused on what I lacked that I hadn’t stopped to consider what I already had
I started asking myself: What am I good at? What comes naturally to me?
One of the answers that surfaced was communication. I’ve always been good at connecting with people, whether through conversation or storytelling. So, I decided to lean into that. I volunteered to give presentations at work and started reaching out to potential mentors for advice.
As I leaned into my strengths, something incredible happened: momentum. The more I focused on what I was good at, the more opportunities seemed to appear. I wasn’t just fixing flaws anymore; I was building something meaningful.
Walking the Unbeaten Path
As I began to gain momentum, I realized that part of my frustration stemmed from comparing myself to others. I was measuring my progress against the paths others had taken, but those paths didn’t belong to me.
I was forging my own path, one that was unfamiliar and full of uncertainty. There were no roadmaps or guarantees—just a lot of trial and error.
Walking this path required me to confront self-doubt daily. “What if I fail? What if I’m not good enough?” Those thoughts still visited me, but I learned to greet them like old acquaintances. “Ah, there you are again,” I’d say to my doubts. “Thanks for your input, but I’m moving forward anyway.”
Each step forward brought new challenges, but it also brought growth. The unknown, which once terrified me, became a space for discovery and creativity.
The Overarching Theme: Seeking Validation
When I look back on those years of self-doubt and striving, I see a common thread: I was chasing validation.
I wanted to prove my worth—to myself, to my family, to society. I thought that achieving something big would finally make me feel whole. But the truth is, no external achievement could fill that void.
The turning point came when I began to let go of the need for validation. I realized that my worth wasn’t tied to what I achieved or how others saw me. It was inherent, unchanging.
This wasn’t a switch I flipped overnight. It was a slow process, one small step at a time—just like eating an elephant. But as I released the need for external approval, I felt freer and more grounded than ever before.
Becoming a Teacher
Today, I’m a teacher. It’s not the flashiest career, but it’s one that feels deeply aligned with who I am. Teaching allows me to use my strengths—communication, empathy, and a knack for seeing the big picture—to help others navigate their own paths.
I didn’t get here by chasing big, flashy goals. I got here by starting small, focusing on my strengths, and trusting the process.
Lessons Learned
If you’re feeling stuck or overwhelmed, here are a few things I’ve learned that might help.
1. Start small: Big changes don’t happen overnight. Focus on small, manageable steps that you can build on.
2. Lean into your strengths: Instead of fixating on your weaknesses, identify what you’re naturally good at and find ways to use those strengths.
3. Let go of comparisons: Your path is your own. It doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s.
4. Trust the process: Growth isn’t always linear, and that’s okay. Have faith that each step forward, no matter how small, is bringing you closer to where you want to be.
5. Release the need for validation: Your worth isn’t tied to your achievements or how others see you. It’s inherent, just as you are.
Closing Thoughts
As I sit here reflecting on my journey, I realize that I’m still a work in progress. And that’s okay. Life isn’t about reaching some final destination; it’s about learning, growing, and finding joy in the process.
If you’re feeling stuck or overwhelmed, know that you’re not alone. Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can. One small step at a time, you’ll get there.
About Kai
Kai is a coach and strategist who helps people uncover blind spots and recognize the deeper patterns shaping their lives. With a background in Go strategy, Zen philosophy, and Gestalt coaching, he blends deep insight with practical wisdom. When he’s not coaching, he explores mastery, personal growth, and how to navigate life with clarity and purpose. Connect with him on https://kaipoh.com.
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