Every coin has two sides, as does every personality.
Some men are experts at showcasing their charisma in public, wooing crowds and winning admiration.
However, these same men can turn hostile and patronizing once the public eye is turned.
They are like chameleons, adept at changing their colors according to their surroundings.
This transformation can be startling and hard to comprehend, but it’s not entirely inscrutable—there are certain behaviors that these men usually display.
Identifying these signs in advance can save you a lot of distress down the line.
In this article, we’ll explore these behaviors, helping you understand the dichotomy between public charm and private hostility.
Despite its complexity, this is a crucial topic to tackle for anyone seeking balance, resilience, and a deeper understanding of human behavior:
1) Master of public performance
There’s no denying the charm of these individuals when they are in the public eye.
Their charisma is infectious, drawing people in and making them feel special and valued.
This public persona is typically characterized by a warm smile, engaging conversation, and a knack for making everyone feel like the most important person in the room.
They are excellent listeners and have an uncanny ability to remember details about people, using this information to establish strong connections.
Keep in mind, though, that this is a performance—it’s not necessarily indicative of their real personality or intentions.
This charm offensive is often a smokescreen, meticulously crafted to create a certain image.
The key here is consistency: If the public charm feels too good to be true, it probably is!
2) A personal encounter
I recall a time when I worked with a man who perfectly fit this description.
In meetings and social gatherings, he was the life of the party: Always quick with a joke, he had this natural ability to put everyone at ease and light up any room he walked into.
However, behind closed doors, the story was different.
When it was just the two of us in his office, his demeanor would change dramatically.
The jokes would disappear, replaced by harsh criticisms and unreasonable demands.
He became dismissive of my ideas, often cutting me off mid-sentence; his public charisma made it difficult for others to believe my experiences with him in private.
It took a lot of courage to stand up for myself and seek support from my colleagues.
What helped me was recognizing the incongruity between his public charm and private hostility, understanding that this was not normal or acceptable behavior.
3) The ‘Jekyll and Hyde’ phenomenon
Named after the famous character from Robert Louis Stevenson’s novel, the ‘Jekyll and Hyde’ phenomenon refers to individuals who exhibit drastically different behaviors in public and private settings.
It’s a psychological concept that is surprisingly common.
In public, these men are Dr. Jekyll—charming, charismatic, and well-liked—but, in private, they transform into Mr. Hyde—hostile, patronizing, and manipulative.
This drastic switch in behavior can be jarring for those on the receiving end.
It often leaves them questioning their experiences and doubting their perceptions.
Understanding this phenomenon can help shed light on the behavior of men who are charismatic in public but hostile and patronizing behind closed doors.
4) Lack of empathy
One key characteristic to watch out for in these individuals is a lack of genuine empathy.
Despite their public charm, they often struggle to understand or share the feelings of others.
Their charisma often masks this deficit.
They may seem understanding and compassionate when others are watching, but in private, their true colors show; they may dismiss your feelings, belittle your concerns, or react with indifference or even hostility to your struggles.
This lack of empathy is a telltale sign.
It reveals a self-centeredness and lack of emotional maturity that is common among those who are charismatic in public but hostile and patronizing behind closed doors.
5) The emotional toll
There was a time in my life when I was in a relationship with such an individual.
His public charm was undeniable, and I was drawn in by his charisma and seemingly caring nature—but behind closed doors, it was a different story.
His hostility and patronizing behavior would often leave me feeling small and insignificant.
I would spend hours questioning my worth, wondering if I was deserving of respect and kindness.
This emotional toll is often the harshest aspect of dealing with such individuals.
It can lead to self-doubt, anxiety, and even depression.
Recognizing this pattern and seeking help when necessary is crucial for maintaining mental health and personal growth.
6) Overbearing control
Another common trait among these individuals is their need for control.
They often feel the need to dominate conversations, make all the decisions, and dictate how things should be done.
In public, this might be masked as confidence or assertiveness.
But in private, this need for control can become overbearing.
They may dismiss your ideas, belittle your suggestions, or make you feel like your input is not valuable.
This controlling behavior is a key indicator of a deeper issue—it reveals a lack of respect for others and an inability to value differing perspectives..
7) It’s not your fault
Perhaps the most crucial thing to remember when dealing with such individuals is that their behavior is not a reflection of you or your worth.
It’s easy to internalize their hostility and patronizing remarks, but it’s important to remember that these are manifestations of their own issues and insecurities.
You are not responsible for their behavior, nor are you obligated to tolerate it.
Everyone deserves respect and kindness, both in public and behind closed doors.
If someone fails to treat you with the respect you deserve, remember it’s a reflection on them—not you!
Final thoughts: It’s about understanding
Human behavior is complex and layered, often influenced by personal experiences, societal expectations, and yes, even biochemistry.
In dealing with men who are charismatic in public but hostile and patronizing behind closed doors, it’s crucial to remember the role of empathy and understanding.
These individuals may be battling their own demons, struggling with insecurities, or grappling with emotional immaturity.
Alternatively, they may simply lack the awareness or tools to handle their behavior.
Recognizing these patterns and behaviors can be an important step towards personal growth.
It enables you to protect your emotional wellbeing and maintain healthy relationships, but it also allows for a deeper understanding of others—encouraging compassion even in the face of hostility.
As Carl Jung once said, “Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darkness of other people.”
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