“Don’t be afraid to start over. This time you’re not starting from scratch, you’re starting from experience.” ~Unknown
Five years ago, as I approached my fortieth birthday, I was deeply dissatisfied with my life.
I resolved to change everything: to leave San Francisco, where I’d lived for nearly a decade, and to shift my career trajectory, finally committing to my passion—writing.
I also vowed to address my intimacy issues in friendships and romantic relationships. This desire led to countless online dates and deeper introspection, particularly regarding the impact of my mother’s death when I was a teenager and the emotional distance between my father and me.
That period of reflection allowed me to confront my deeper insecurities and desires head-on, compelling me to look in the mirror and decide what changes I could make to lead a more aligned life. Age was a factor as I considered how I wanted to live the second half of my life.
Ultimately, it came down to honestly assessing and accepting where I was at that juncture and then changing what was within my control.
Coming to Terms with Being Single and Child-Free
When I was in my early thirties, a good friend’s mother encouraged me to have children because she claimed I would regret it later. As I approached forty and reflected on being childfree by choice, I didn’t regret my childless existence.
I did face the social stigma of being “single and childfree” in my forties, though. Friends would comment about single people in their late thirties or forties, suggesting something must be “wrong” with them if they were still single. I wanted to challenge that assumption.
Some people, due to past traumas, might fear intimacy, but that doesn’t mean there’s something inherently wrong with them. Others, I believe, might genuinely prefer the single life.
I was content with my decision not to have children and grateful that being childfree enabled me to make changes, like moving to Santa Fe in my early forties, which might not have been as easy with children. That move had an incredibly positive impact on my life, as being in “The Land of Enchantment” opened the doors to a profoundly satisfying creative life.
Intentionally Shaping My Life
I undertook a “life audit” and reflected on different aspects of my life. Granted, I didn’t conquer everything at once, but I slowly changed various areas of my life. For example, I first addressed that I wasn’t happy in San Francisco and started to reflect on what type of environment would suit me.
Next, I looked at my career and acknowledged that I wanted to devote more time to my personal writing. So, I tried to find a job that would provide a stable income yet wouldn’t drain me and instead allow me to focus on my creative life. I did want to one day be in a healthy relationship, so I understood that this might take effort on my part—acknowledging my barriers to intimacy and reflecting on how previous relationships went wrong.
Slowly, I began to work through various aspects of my life, and I could see that as I became more intentional about where I invested my time and energy and where I focused my thoughts, my life began to shift.
Embracing the Process of Self-Discovery
My inner work during the last five years (I’ll turn forty-five later this year) led me to a life with balance, purpose, and meaning. During those years, I felt I looked in the mirror, reconciled parts of my past, and reclaimed my future.
I learned that it is never too late to change the trajectory of my life. While it hasn’t been easy, the journey to where I am now has been profoundly enriching.
Today, my nervous system has shifted from fight-or-flight mode to a stable resting place, allowing me to fully appreciate what I’ve created: a remote job, my writing career, my community, and the new place I call home.
I recognize that the “life audit” I undertook at forty brought me to where I am today, and I know this kind of transformation is possible for anyone who dares to reinvent themselves in midlife.
Five Steps to Reinvention
Below are five steps that might help you in your midlife transition.
1. Be honest with yourself.
Embrace where your life has led you, acknowledging successes and challenges. I recommend conducting a life audit and reflecting on all aspects of it, then asking a trusted friend to review it.
Are you happy with your job or career? Are you satisfied with your relationships? Does your life feel meaningful? Do you like where you live? Assess which areas you feel content with and where you could improve your life. Consider creating a detailed list of these aspects and rating them on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the most satisfying.
2. Practice self-forgiveness.
Release guilt or regret by forgiving yourself for past decisions and focusing on the lessons learned. Avoid the trap of thinking you should be at a certain point by a certain age—it’s not helpful.
If there are areas in your life where you feel changes are needed, know that with some effort, you can make the improvements you desire. Not forgiving yourself could lead to resentment, which will not provide a natural flow to your life or the right energy to create the desired shifts.
Self-forgiveness is not just about letting go; it’s about feeling a sense of accomplishment for overcoming past challenges.
3. Prioritize your goals.
After completing your life audit, identify the changes you want to make and focus on those that matter most to your growth and happiness. You may not be able to change everything at once, so concentrate on manageable areas. Prioritizing your goals is not just about setting targets; it’s about being focused and determined to make the changes that will lead to a more fulfilling life.
For example, if you want to move and change jobs, you can address both simultaneously. You could hire a coach who focuses on midlife career transitions if you’re going to begin something anew. Or, if you’re going to build a solid relationship, work with a therapist to explore obstacles and gradually become more active in online dating.
If improving your physical health is a goal, commit more time to the gym. As I did, you’ll find that the changes we must make often become more manageable with daily progress.
4. Embrace change.
Welcome change as an opportunity for growth rather than something to fear. Making significant changes in your life can be scary, but that’s one of the benefits of being in midlife—you’ve already been through a lot, so you’ve likely built up enough confidence and courage to improve your life further.
Embracing change is not just about adapting; it’s about feeling empowered to shape your life as you see fit. While change can be intimidating, trust that you’ll feel excited by the possibilities as you begin taking steps toward a more aligned life.
5. Build a supportive network.
Surround yourself with like-minded individuals who encourage and inspire you on your journey. Good friends or a supportive community will be invaluable during this transitional period.
Before my fortieth birthday, I regularly convened women’s circles at my San Francisco home. I surrounded myself with like-minded women facing challenges, and they became a trusted brain trust and supportive community.
Don’t be afraid of midlife!
Despite being portrayed as a challenging period that one should dread, midlife, in contrast, is an exciting time when one can reflect on one’s life, use your life experience to navigate the next stage of life, and create waves of change.
About Christina Vo
Christina Vo is a Santa Fe-based author whose work delves into themes such as loss, intergenerational trauma, healing, and the notions of home and reconciliation. Her second book, My Vietnam, Your Vietnam, is an intergenerational memoir co-written with her father. Christina is also the author of The Veil Between Two Worlds: A Memoir of Silence, Loss, and Finding Home. Visit her at christinavo.com, or on Instagram @stina_vo.
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